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A Customer Draws Near!

The Mysterious Foreigner

"A customer draws near! How do you respond?"

"I attack with Melf's Acid Tongue."

"The customer defends with Improved Language Barrier. Your spell deals no damage."

"Damn. Can I pronounce the customer's name?"


"I ask the customer what he wants."

"The customer speaks in a foreign, indecipherable tongue. The only words you are able to make out are 'internet' and 'broken'."

"I choose a random issue and troubleshoot it with my Tech Support skill."

"The customer gains +2 disposition and is temporarily stunned by your Worn Leather Headset of Mad Skillz."

"I open a portal to the Land of Perpetual Hold Time and attempt to drive the customer into it."

"The customer counters with his lesser power of Common Idiocy. Your portal fails and you now must attempt to tell the customer how to retrieve a file that he accidentally deleted from his hard drive."

"Can I remotely connect?"

"No, your character wouldn't do that. The Supportinator does not care enough about fixing the issue to expend the necessary skill points to remotely connect, not to mention that breaking company policy goes against your lawful evil alignment."

"I show the customer to the help files."

"HAHAHAHA! Did you actually expect that to work? Even normal customers carry a 75% natural resistance to help files. The exotic ones like this carry an additional 15% Engrish modifier. Your attack fails miserably and the customer laughs at you."

"I attempt to rationally explain the process of restoring a deleted file from the Recycle Bin while drinking a beer from my pack."

"The beer restores 6 HP at a cost of 5 charisma; this brings you down to an abysmal -5 charisma. Your rational explanation fails critically. It expends twice the amount of stamina that it would normally use up and the customer's computer bursts into flame."

"I mute my phone and swear at the customer."

"The customer becomes irate and begins to rant nonsensically about Microsoft, AOL, and something about attacking small children with a frozen fish."

"At the moment I hear the customer mention AOL, I attempt a counter-attack with my Masterwork Battle Axe of Hosing +2."

"You successfully blame the customer's hard drive crash on AOL. The Supportinator incurs a -2 full body shiver/disgust attack penalty due to the mention of AOL, but the customer suffers critical damage regardless and uses a desperation attack of Threaten To Cancel Account."

"I attack with the World's Saddest Song on the World's Smallest Violin."

"Success! You have defeated the customer. You receive 36 experience points and 17 gold pieces. The customer also has a treasure chest. Do you wish to open it?"


"You open the chest and find a Worn Turban of Mass Confusion +3. You celebrate with a victory dance."