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A Customer Draws Near!

Almost A BTB Sandwich

"A customer draws near!"

"Dammit, can't the customer see that I'm trying to sleep?"

"Well, since all she did was dial the number for tech support and then just kept pressing '1' over and over at the teleprompts until she reached a live person... no."

"Well that's her fucking problem, now isn't it? Is this one even in the right department?"

"The customer begins talking about her account. She describes how she uses her computer to check her email and talk to her son who sends her these funny links in the email all the time, and how she is able to compose and send email back to him all by herself."


"She continues by going on to explain that she also likes to surf the 'internets' and use her account to download pictures from her camera and send them to her son on the email. She talks about how she uses her hotmail to..."

"What the hell!? Is she going to ask me a question or not?"

"You sink further into your chair as you listen to the customer regale you with further tales of her adventures in basic computer illiteracy. You suffer 2 HP of boredom damage."

"I know exactly how this needs to be handled."

"If what you're about to say in any way involves going to a strip club, you will suffer nine kajillion damage. Just letting you know."

"Ugh, fine. I drink a beer from my pack."

"Actually, you're starting to get hungry. You haven't consumed anything except alcohol in days."

"Okay then, I look through my desk to see if there's any food in it."

"You casually rifle through the drawers of your workstation. In the very bottom drawer at the very far back, you discover a sandwich in clear, plastic wrapping."

"I eat it."

"You're eating found food?"

"Sure, why not?"

"As you begin to unwrap it, you notice a small expiration date printed on the package."

"What does it say?"

"You don't know; it's written in Sumerian."

"I eat it anyways."

"The sandwich attacks."


"It attacks. You suffer a -3 surprise attack penalty to your dexterity."

"I ask the sandwich how I can assist it today."

"The sandwich sprouts forth countless limbs from its core. One of them appears to be a head atop a thick, hairy stalk. It opens its mouth, revealing a full set of sharp, drooling teeth, and begins to gnaw on your head. It feels strangely similar to listening to a customer describe an email problem. Your HP is being drained at a rate of 3 per second. Act quickly, or you will soon die."

"I cast Tech Support Flames of Fury on the sandwich."

"You defeat the sandwich. However, because you're so close to it, the flames spread to you. Your pants catch fire and you suffer 5 HP of damage. Your bullshit skill, however, increases by 2."


"The spell does not affect your customer, however."

"Right, the customer. Is she hot?"

"What part of what I just said was not clear?"

"No, I mean you said the customer is female. Is she hot?"

"Dude, she's on the phone!"

"Yeah. So?"

"The customer gets angry and asks to be transferred to a representative that'll be of more help to her."

"I transfer the call to Pizza Hut."

"The customer gets pissed at you and hangs up. You receive no gold or experience."

"I wanna cast Malicious Missile!"

"The customer already hung up. There's nothing left to attack."

"I'm attacking the dial tone!"