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A Customer Draws Near!

I Don't Like SPAM!

"The hour draws late and you continue to suffer the effects of hunger. If your burnout rating gets much higher, you will be rendered unable to deal with customers completely until you return to your trailer and rest. Your manager approaches you and asks if you would like to go home early. What is your response?"

"I stay; I need the experience."

"Very well. A customer draws near and demands to talk to a supervisor."

"Dude, I just answered the phone. Give me a chance to piss you off first."

"Yeah, well, given your track record, that's probably where it's going to end up. This guy is just trying to save you some time."

"I ask the customer why he wants to talk to my supervisor."

"'Are you fucking deaf!?' screams the customer. 'I want to talk to a fucking supervisor!'"

"I place the customer on hold and cast Drizzt's Helium Trip on myself. I then return and introduce myself as the supervisor."

"The customer buys it. He explains that his company is losing thousands of dollars in revenue because of you. Something is blocking him from sending out his Pen 15 newsletters to his 500,000 'subscribers', and he demands to know what you are going to do to fix it."

"I attack the filthy spammer with a Terms of Service Hose from my pack."

"The spammer evades damage from your attack with McMahon's Nonexistent Loophole and counters with his Flail of Insulting Your Family's Suitability To Propagate +3."

"I cast Greater Soul Drain on the spammer."

"Your spell succeeds with a -7 penalty for The Supportinator being neither a lawyer nor a female. However, because the spammer has no soul, your spell has no effect."

"I cast Knights of the Round on the spammer."




"...not happening?"

"Not happening."

"Well, it was worth a shot."

"The customer launches into a verbal assault on you and your company. He calls you many different names, none of which are appropriate for a family-oriented story about two very bored people playing the D&D campaign from hell."

"I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology."

"Your apology fails - not surprising given it's zero percent accuracy rate - and the customer counters with his Adamantine Battle-Axe of Blind Judgment for 7 HP of unavoidable damage."

"Okay, now you're just trying to be a jerk."

"No, this is me being a jerk: a customer appears from the black mists surrounding you and pleads for your assistance."

"You can't do that - I'm already dealing with a customer!"

"Yeah, well, now you're dealing with two of them. Enjoy."

"I ask the new customer how I can help him."

"The customer describes his problem to you at medium length. However, you are unable to determine what the issue is, since the customer's communication seems to consist solely of the word 'Timmy'. Meanwhile, the spammer attacks you with a Free Credit Check for a recurring 2 HP of damage. At this rate, you will be dead in three rounds. Whatever you do, you must act quickly."

"I cast Sense Alignment on the new customer."

"Lawful good. You have two turns to live."

"And since I know the spammer to be of a chaotic evil alignment, I cast Murphy's Trading Places with the new customer."

"You successfully switch places with the new customer. The spammer attacks him with Lesser Nigerian Royalty Scam; the new customer resists with his passive feat of Failed Comprehension and counters with a wheelchair bash attack."

"I watch intently as I drink a beer from my pack."

"The spammer suffers 3 points of damage, placing him at critical HP. In response to this, a mysterious portal appears above the call center and from it emerges a 1337 Mail Virus of Massive Pwnage. With a mighty roar, it drains the Call Center in hot napalm and then leaves. Everyone in a 2-mile radius suffers 999 damage."

"The Supportinator's racial bonus (Texan) allows him to absorb the damage dealt by any heat/liquid-based attack. I emerge from the lava with my HP fully restored by the spell."

"You gain 43 exp. and 93 gold pieces. You discover five potions of healing and a slightly damaged football helmet on their charred corpses. Do you wish to take them?"

"I do. Seriously, why do you even have to ask?"

"You're still near death, FYI."

"Oh, yeah... I eat the corpses."

"...you're sick."

"You really have to be to play this game."