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A Customer Draws Near!

Let Me Check My Stone Tablets

"A customer draws near! You know the drill - what do you do?"

"I drink a beer from my pack."


"All right! Critical hit!"

"Um... no. That's your blood-alcohol content, actually."



"That's quite high."


"I'm surprised I'm still alive."

"As am I."

"I drink another beer from my pack and go to watch some strippers."

"Have you forgotten that there is a customer drawing near?"

"Oh, yeah, right. I drink a beer from my pack, then hose the customer, then go to watch some strippers."

"Your hose fails. The customer asks you why certain websites are pulling up '409: Screw You' errors."

"I ask the customer if she's RTFM'ed."

"The customer complains that your help files are so out of date it's not even funny. You suffer a -2 penalty to your credibility."

"They are not outdated! Are they? I don't know, I've never actually seen them. Do I have a copy?"

"There are some discs in the drawer to your right."

"Groovy. I take them out and put one in the CD Drive."

"They're 5 ½-inch floppies."


"The customer grows increasingly impatient with you and demands immediate gratification. His Improved Soul Drain ability continues to drain away your life force as you suffer 2 HP of damage per minute. The move is yours."

"I transfer the call to Mr. Dial Tone."

"Try again."

"Okay then, I cast Bombay's Standard Hold Time on the customer."

"You ask the customer to hold on for up to two minutes and successfully place him on hold. You have five minutes."

"I consult the Known Issue Codex I retrieved from the Engineer's Lair of Torment and Doom in the Volcano of Pain and Despair for the issue described by the customer."

"You pull the tome from your pack and blow away the dust from its cover. It is quite obvious that this book has not been read in quite some time. As you carefully turn the age-worn pages of the codex, you discover that the problem described to you by the customer is indeed listed as a known issue."

"Awesome. I return to the customer and attack with a known issue hose from my pack."

"The customer evades the attack and demands to know how you can fix his problem."

"It's a known issue, you jackass! There is no fix!"

"The customer doesn't care. He attacks with O'Reilly's Supreme Belittlement, a spell which deals 5 points of insulting damage and imposes a -10 penalty to your confidence."

"Dammit. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? It's a known issue."

"Well, you'd better think of something fast. You have ten seconds before the customer finishes suffering the recoil of his attack."

"I transfer the call to another agent."

"There's nobody left to transfer the call to. Everyone has gone home for the evening."

"Is there any other sentient being in the building?"



"Well, except the mystery meat in the fridge."

"I transfer the call to the mystery meat."

"The mystery meat attacks."

"God damn you."

"Oh, He does."

"I don't have time for this. I cast Vanish/Doom on the mystery meat."

"What have I told you about using Final Fantasy spells?"

"Dammit. Fine, I retreat from battle."

"You manage to lose the mystery meat, but the customer remains and is ready to make another attack. You must act now."

"I celebrate with a victory dance and another beer from my pack."

"...but you haven't defeated the customer yet."

"Oh. I celebrate anyways."

"Your customer attacks with his Crystal Mace of Substantial Verbal Abuse +5. You suffer 10 points of damage and your patience is completely drained. The Supportinator is now at a critical HP level and is nearing death."

"Fine. I use my desperation attack of Ultimate Technical Obfuscation."

"You assault the customer with a vicious and detailed description of the issue that he is completely unable to understand. As he is made to feel completely unworthy of your presence, he suffers an additional -10 penalty to his natural -50 penalty to his intellect. The customer's will to live is completely drained and he commits suicide by swallowing a frisbee."

"Do I get any experience if the customer kills himself?"

"You do not."

"What if I, like, bring him back to life and then kill him?"

"You do realize that you're supposed to be helping them with their technical issues instead of killing them, right?"

"I'm supposed to be doing what now?"