"A customer draws near!"
"Dammit, can't the customer see that I'm trying to sleep?"
"Well, since all she did was dial the number for tech support and then just kept pressing '1' over and over at the teleprompts until she reached a live person... no."
"Well that's her fucking problem, now isn't it? Is this one even in the right department?"
"The customer launches into an immediate verbal assault on you and your company. She calls you many different names, none of which are appropriate for a family-oriented story about two very bored people playing the D&D campaign from hell."
"I rebuild the 4th wall and continue with the call."
"The customer angrily blames a wide series of problems on you and your company, ranging from viruses in her computer to her car not starting this morning. She angrily demands a resolution to her issues, compensation for her troubles, your head on a stick, and, if possible, several pounds of Midol."
"I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology."
"Your apology fails - not surprising given it's zero percent accuracy rate - and the customer attacks with her Adamantine Battle-Axe of Blind Judgment for 7 HP of unavoidable damage. What do you do now?"
"I ask the customer if she's RTFM'ed."
"The customer loudly complains that your help files are so out of date it's not even funny. You suffer a -2 penalty to your credibility."
"They are not outdated! Are they? I don't know, I've never actually seen them. Do I have a copy?"
"There as some discs in the drawer to your right."
"Groovy. I take them out and put one in the CD Drive."
"They're 5 1/2-inch floppies."
"The customer grows increasingly impatient with you and demands immediate gratification. Her Improved Soul Drain ability continues to drain away your life force as you suffer 2 HP of damage per minute. The move is yours."
"I transfer the call to Mr. Dial Tone."
"I cancel the customer's account."
"You can't do that. Steele's Account Cancellation is a 9th level spell, and you can barely cast a 3rd level spell right now!
"But it's only a 2nd level spell for a billing agent!"
"Yes, but billing agents suffer from other weaknesses to balance them out. They can't even cast Quit Drooling All Over Yourself And Take Off Your Bib until level 7."
"That's it, I've had enough. I'm whipping it out."
"Are you sure? It's so huge that it might be overkill."
"I'm tired of playing games. She needs to see it in all of its glory."
"Very well. With both hands you reach for the enormous monster that you reserve for only the most special of situations. The gigantic beast in your hands goes from limp to ready for action in a matter of seconds and awaits your command."
"Oh, she's gonna get it now."
"You are aware that you can only use this power once per day? Your character will also require a cigarette after the attack."
"Pfft. I can do it all night long if I wanted to."
"Sure you can. That's why you have those little blue pills in your pack, right?
"For the last time, those are hangover pills!"
"Whatever you say. Are you ready to make your attack?"
"I tell the customer to open wide as I prepare to unleash the blast. Does she have any last requests?"
"None that you'd actually care about."
"Good point. I attack."
"You unleash the mighty fury of your Fire Hose on the hapless customer. Cries of pain and agony can be heard as the customer is washed away by the force of Niagara Falls. Congratulations, you have successfully hosed and closed the call. You must be proud of yourself."
"Indeed I am. I celebrate with a beer from my pack and a witty ending to this episode."
"But that wasn't funny at all."