< > Back

A Customer Draws Near!

Do Not Click On This Episode


"Fuck, BTB, calm down."

"Why!? Satan just took half of my beer! What good can possibly come of that!?"

"Well, for starters, you're no longer experiencing crushing encumbrance. You can walk now."

"Well, that's good... I suppose."

"You know, things aren't all that bad. I mean, sure, your wife left you to fuck some other guy and you have a shit job and live all alone in a dilapidated wreck of a trailer where you probably cry yourself to sleep every night..."

"This isn't helping."

"But you know that if she'd stayed, things would be worse in the long run. Someone out there does love you in spite of every one of your numerous flaws. And now, she's got a chance to be with you, which is a chance she'd never have if you'd kept living in the past. You're a really good guy, and eventually someone will make you see that."

"Wow. Thanks. I feel a lot better, actually. In fact, I don't think anything can kill this good mood that I'm in right now."

"A customer draws near!"

"I fucking hate you."

"I know."

"Fine. I ask the customer how I can help her today."

"The customer begins speaking. 'Um... ah... yes... ah... um... internet... um... ah... yes, I... um... ah... I at computer... and... ah...'"

"The customer seems broken. I apply percussive maintenance."

"The customer suffers 3 HP of damage and you gain +10 to your morale. The two words that you are able to discern from the string of nonsense that follows are 'sign up'."

"Groovy. I transfer the call to sales."

"The customer states that she was transferred to you by Carl from sales."

"I add Carl to my hit list."

"Carl is already on your hit list."



"Oh. I transfer the call to sales."


"Fine, I walk the customer through the sign-up process."

"The customer is awaiting instruction. You are losing patience at the rate of 2 per second."

"From our home page, I tell her to click on the link that says 'compare plans'."

"The customer says that she does not see it."

"It's a big link in the middle of the screen. How can she not see it?"

"The customer says that the only thing she sees is a link that says 'compare plans'."

"I thank the customer for calling and disconnect the call."


"This has to be a joke. Nobody can be this stupid."

"You clearly have not been paying any attention to this campaign thus far."

"It's a prank call. It has to be. I cast O'Neil's Reveal Truth."

"You spent last night in a gutter and you tried to molest a birthday cake."

"Not on myself, asshole!"

"Well, you should have been more specific."

"How's this for specific: you're a fucking tool."

"The customer grows impatient. She attacks with Mysterious Foreign Power. The Supportinator suffers 7 HP of mysterious foreign damage and is now confused."

"Dammit! I open up my account administrator tool."

"You successfully pull up the account admin program. You see your usual array of tools and links, as well as a wide assortment of buttons that you are never to press under any circumstances."

"Yeah, about those... if I'm not supposed to use them, then why are they there?"

"So you can not press them, of course."

"That seems logical enough. I use the tool that sets up an account for the customer and gets her the hell off of my phone."

"Your confused state causes you to miss. You accidentally click the 'do not press' button instead."

"Fuck me. What happens now?"

"Absolutely nothing."



"I feel kinda gypped."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hey, what happened to the customer, anyways?"

"The customer? Oh, she got distracted by a piece of string and hung up."

"Cool. I pull out my revolver and fire several rounds into my phone."

"The phone melts into a puddle of metallic liquid and hastily reassembles itself, dooming you to its confines for all eternity."

"Son of a bitch!"