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A Customer Draws Near!

Beating A Dead Horse

"You know, I've been thinking."

"Nothing good can possibly come of this."

"No, I mean, think about games like Final Fantasy and Mega Man, or movies like Rocky. All were great pieces of art that had so much going for them, but the people who made them just couldn't stop when they had a good thing going. They had to push for more and more until they ran once-great masterpieces into the ground."

"I concur, and add that some such additions became so bad that they retroactively ruined the entire series."

"Very true. People really need to learn when to quit."


"It's good to see that we both see eye-to-eye on the subject, good sir."

"Indeed. A customer draws near!"

"I drink a beer from my pack and ask the customer what he wants."

"The customer asks you to get on the internet so he can show you what he wants."

"He can fornicate himself with my +3 Mace of Go Fornicate Yourself. I ask the customer to tell me what he wants."

"The customer says that it will be much easier to describe the problem to you if you can go online. You suffer a -3 penalty to your patience, and your blood pressure increases by 4."

"I ask the customer what his question is while drinking another beer from my pack."

"You suffer 12 HP of damage."

"Fine. I open up a new tab in Firefox. Now what in the hell is so damn confusing to explain that I had to waste 3 seconds of my time!?"

"The customer asks if you see the 'bookmarks' button."

"Even if I say yes, he's going to spend at least ten minutes trying to direct me toward it, isn't he?"


"Fine, I reply 'yes' and then go take a smoke break."

"Your smoke break fails due to the Iron Shackles of Improved Slavery on your wrists. Your morale decreases by 5 points and you sob quietly onto your keyboard."

"I hate my life."

"It's okay. I hate you, too."

"I attempt to hang myself with the cord from my headset."

"Your emo stat is not high enough to perform this attack."


"Besides, The Supportinator is currently only equipped with a standard-issue headset. It's constructed entirely out of sheet metal and cheap plastic and is being held together with a shoelace. It's not suitable for hanging yourself."

"Is the customer at least finished trying to tell me how to find the button I've known how to find for the last 11 years?"


"Fine. I drink another beer from my pack to cure my sobriety."

"But your character isn't sober."

"Oh, piss off."

"In fact, The Supportinator is immune to sobriety."

"Fuck off!"

"The customer asks you how to add a web page to his bookmarks."

"I use my Remedial Tech Support skill to explain the basic functions of a computer to this asswipe."

"Your attack fails. The customer counters with Total Failure at Life."

"I tell him to click on 'bookmarks' and then 'add to bookmarks'. How hard is that to do!?"

"The customer clicks on the back button."

"Does my customer hate me?"


"Bookmarks. B-o-o-k-m-a-r-k-s. Motherfuckin' bookmarks. It's what he called me about! How is he not able to find it? I summon a Troll of Flaming to rid myself of this nub."

"The customer says that he is going to sing The Doom Song now."


"The customer begins singing The Doom Song."

"God, take me now."

"Doom doom do doo doom doom. Doomy doomy doo do do doo dooo. Doomy doomy dooooo!"

"I yell at the customer. Did I even get his name this time? I ask for his name."

"Doomy doomy doom doo doo doo doom! Doomy doomy!"

"I ask for his fucking name!"

"The customer states that his name is Bobby. He says he will spell it out for you. He says, 'b as in boat, o as in Edward, b as in Bobby, b as in... um... ah... b as in...'"

"Okay, that's it, I'm kicking his ass. Where's my troll?"

"Your summon was intercepted by a Twilight fan fiction forum."

"I hate you."

"The customer says that he has opened his control panel like you asked."

"I ask the customer if he would like me to send him a step-by-step walkthrough in his email."

"Your attack succeeds. The customer says that this will be sufficient. He is temporarily stunned and you regain 2 HP."

"I send the customer an email."

"You open your email and wade through a seemingly endless sea of messages concerning the size of both your penis and breasts. After gathering the necessary information, you click on the 'compose' button with a sense of triumph. Please select a help file to send to the customer."

" http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Kitten_Huffing"

"That's not very helpful."

"It is if you're into that sort of thing, I suppose."

"I don't think your customer is."

"I don't think I give a damn."

"Your hose succeeds and the customer is defeated. Do you wish to continue?"

"Do I have a choice?"