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A Customer Draws Near!

The Revenge Of Goatse

"You step into the deserted call center with a determined look on your face. A cold, dark wind blows as you don your Jedi robes and headset. Something inside tells you that this will be an epic battle."

"How can wind be dark?"

"It can be dark for the same reason you can get away with calling your office a 'help' desk."

"I see. I drink a beer from my pack."

"From beyond the shadows a ghostly wail can be heard, growing louder every second. As the noise becomes nearer, a figure suddenly leaps forth from the darkness and besets you, knocking your beer from your hand and spilling its contents all over the floor. A customer draws near!"

"That son of a bitch! I attack with my Enchanted Blade of Return Customer to Call Backlog."

"Your attack misses, and the customer responds with his feat of Whine About Excessive Hold Time."

"I counter by not caring."

"You succeed. You take no damage, and the move is yours."

"I guess this is the part where I get the customer's issue. I ask the customer to explain his problem."

"Actually, it's the part where the customer whines for half an hour before getting to the issue. The customer casts Sheehan's Debilitating Complaint, causing a -10 penalty to your patience and placing you in a berserked state. The customer closes by stating that your company has caused him an excessive amount of hassle and grief, and that he is beyond upset and at the end of his rope at the moment."

"I transfer the customer to the Suicide Encouragement Hotline."

"Don't you mean the Suicide Prevention Hotline?"



"You're not gonna let me do it, are you?"



"The customer spends the next several minutes describing a problem with his computer. Apparently, the wallpaper on his desktop has been changed to something called 'Goatse' and he wants to know how to get rid of it."

"And just so we're clear, he's blaming our company for doing this?"

"Actually, he's blaming you personally."

"I use my Basic Troubleshooting skill on the customer."

"The customer counters with his feat of Irrelevant Babble. He describes in detail a list of steps that he took to reach this issue."

"Yeah, this should be great."

"First, the customer describes how he went to his calculator and used it to add some numbers, such as 3 and 7. He spent an hour doing that before decided to play some Solitaire. First, he went to his start menu, and then he clicked on programs, and then accessories, and then games, and then he left-clicked on the Solitaire program. He hit "deal" to start a new game and then figured out how to move the cards onto each other, by clicking and holding the mouse button and dragging the cards."

"Is the customer aware that he is wasting my time with this completely irrelevant information?"


"Of course."

"In fact, when he's done, he complains about the large amount of time that he's been on the phone with you trying to fix his problem and how its wasted his whole day."

"Well, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I tell the customer to right-click on his desktop."

"The customer talks over you as you ask him to do this. For some reason, he does not seem to think you are listening and continually says, 'Hello? Hello!? Are you there? Hello!?'."

"I beat the customer with my Mace of Shut the Hell Up until he listens to me."

"Success. The customer suffers 3 HP of damage and is temporarily stunned. Now is your chance to instruct him on what to do!"

"I tell the customer to right click on his desktop."

The customer asks if you would like him to press the escape key."

"No. I told him to right click on his desktop. You know, on the picture he wants to change."

"The customer asks if you wanted him to go to his control panel."

"No. What in the hell is this guy's problem? I told him to right click on his desktop. What in the hell does he think that means!?"

"The customer asks you what that means."

"I bang my head lightly against my desk."

"4 HP of damage and your Faith in Humanity is temporarily suspended."

"I tell the customer to right-click on the desktop."

"The customer begins complaining again about how long this is taking and how upset he is."

"I attack with The Sound of People That Care."

"You successfully press the mute button on your phone. The customer hears only complete silence, but does not appear to notice as he continues to complain. Your IQ drops by 3 points and you suffer frustration damage at a rate of 1 per second."

"I summon the Waaaaahmbulance."

"A critical hit. The customer's attack ends and he actually manages to right-click on the desktop. He asks you what he should do now."

"I tell the customer to click on 'properties'."

"The customer clicks on properties to bring him to the wallpaper screen. Your spell is still in effect, and the move is yours."

"Awesome. Now, I have the customer click on 'browse'.

"The customer asks you if you want him to click on 'properties'."

"That was the last step."

"It's the step that the customer is on right now."


"So, are you going to fix the customer's issue or not?"

"Fuck that. I need to fix the customer."

"That's not how this works, BTB."

"The hell with this. I don't know how anybody can possibly do this job. How has the human race survived so long if we're all so fucking stupid? What kind of pitiful excuse for a human being can't follow the simplest of instructions? I mean, it's not hard. People call me to help them, and I respond by giving them basic walkthroughs on what to do. And rather than doing what I say, people will either ignore me, argue with me, or just flat-out do something other than what I told them to do."

"You sound frustrated."

"I think technology is just too much for people to handle. I send a squad of goons to capture the customer and return him to the wild. He shall be taken to a secluded orchard in the middle of a dense forest, where there will be some rocks and fruit he can play with. That is the level of technology I feel is appropriate for this customer."


"And what do I get out of it? An ungrateful whore of a wife who runs off to screw some drug dealer, that's what!"

"Actually, I think I saw her on the street corner the other da-"

"Shut up, asswipe! People are morons and the human race is doomed. And NOTHING is going to fix any of that."

"A beam of light shines down from above. From out of nowhere, an angelic chorus begins to sing. As you lie on the ground, broken and defeated, you look up to see what you at first think is only a dream. Oh, but it's not. It's a stripper. And she hands you an ice cold beer. You are restored to full health and your libido meter is maxed out!"

*Sniff* "This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."


"Yeah, I know. I suck"

"That's pretty pathetic, dude. You need to get out more."

"I get up out of my chair and walk outside."

"You open the front door of your trailer and are immediately assaulted by a painful beam that temporarily blinds you and cooks your skin to a bright red color. Apparently, it is called 'sunlight'."

"ARRRGH! Get it off, get it off! I'm going back to do tech support!"

"The customer once again finds himself at his horribly offensive desktop and requests your assistance at removing it."

"I cast Pakistan's Misdirected Call on the customer."

"Your customer resists your spell and demands to speak with the CEO of your company."

"He wants to talk to Satan?"

"No, Satan is the VP of Marketing."

"Do I have the CEO's number?"

"Actually, you do."

"What the hell, I open a second line and dial the number."

"A man with a thick Arabian accent answers the phone, claiming to be your company's CEO and identifying himself as 'Jerry'. He then proudly proclaims that it is his first day on the job."

"We outsourced our fucking CEO?"

"You're surprised by this?"

"Well... not really, no."


"I hang up on him and go back to the customer."

"The customer attacks with Lesser Insult of Your Manhood. You suffer 3 HP of penile retraction damage."

"Okay, this is getting old. I ask the customer to right-click on his desktop."

"Your attack misses critically. You suffer another 5 HP of damage and the customer sleeps with your ex-wife.

"Who hasn't? Look, what in the fuck do I do here? Nothing I can do seems to work on this guy. I've tried everything!"

"Well, almost everything. You haven't tried... that."

"Dear Celestia... not that!"

"Unless you've got a better idea."

"Fine. I place the customer on hold."

"And what hold music will you use? Frank Zappa or incessant bagpipe music?"

"I'll go with the bagpipe music."

"A wise choice. The customer suffers 7 HP of damage and his ears begin to bleed. You have approximately five minutes before the customer regains consciousness."

"I leave my workstation and consult the internal help desk.

"You approach the desk of the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-encompassing second level agent. He is a hardened, crusty soul with a scraggly, unkempt beard and a half-eaten sandwich on his desk. Turning his gaze slowly to meet yours, he looks at you for a moment and then quietly asks why you have interrupted his game of Tetris."

"I tell him that I have an issue that I need assistance with."

"The senior technician pauses for a moment, and then looks back to his game. After a moment of silence and an exasperated breath, he asks you what the issue is."

"I reply that I have a customer who needs to change their desktop wallpaper, and that nothing I'm doing is getting me anywhere."

"Without averting his gaze from his monitor, the senior tech asks if you had the customer right click on their desktop."

"Of course I did. What does he think I am, some kind of an idiot?"

"Yes. The senior tech then asks what happened when you asked the customer to do this."

"I regretted being born. Is he going to help me or not?"

"Still immersed in his game, the senior technician asks you if you are able to duplicate the problem on our end."

"WTF? No. How in the hell can I duplicate a problem when the problem is being a fucking idiot? The only way I'm going to get the same problem as the customer is by eating paint chips."

"The senior agent asks if you've tried doing that."

"Fuck you so hard."

"The senior agent continues with his game, appearing to be in a state of deep concentration (though whether this concentration is on the game or your issue is unknown). After a few moments of dead silence, the senior technician replies in a raspy voice, 'tell the customer to call Microsoft'."

"Oh my God, that's it. I can just hose the customer to Microsoft. It's so simple!"

"In exchange for his help, the senior technician requires the sacrifice of your firstborn and two sticks of Pocky."

"I don't have any kids."

"Then just the Pocky."

"I give the senior technician two sticks of Pocky from my pack and return to the customer with my new information. I tell him that I will be directing his call to someone that will tell him exactly how to resolve his issue."

"Your attack succeeds. The customer is banished to the fiery depths from whence he came and a fanfare sounds, signalling your ultimate victory over your opponent. You have at last achieved what you have set out to do in life and a great feeling of accomplishment washes over you. What will you do now?"

"I drink a beer from my pack."

"Yeah, that sounds about right."