"What a shitty day. I woke up late, I forgot my lunch at home this morning, I got stuck in traffic for over an hour, I have a pounding headache, and my ex-wife is a total whore. Can things get any worse?"
"A customer draws near!"
"Yeah, that'll do it."
"The customer opens with his feat of Immediate Verbal Assault, taking you by surprise and dealing 3 HP of beratement damage."
"I counter by casting Python's Questions Three and attempt to discover the motivation behind the customer's attack."
"No, I mean, why is the customer angry?"
"I know that! I want to know why he's calling me!"
"Because natural selection is a myth."
"Damn you. Are you going to tell me anything useful at all?"
"Sorry, but you've already used your three questions."
"I attack with my Standard Headset of Bite Me +2."
"The customer evades damage due to his state of rage-induced frenzy. He counters with a headbutt attack that possesses a +3 modifier to damage due to his unnaturally thick skull. He angrily demands to know why his computer is not working."
"I use my Silver Pop-Up Book of 1st-Grade Drool +1 to attempt to figure out what the issue is."
"Success. The customer states that the issue with his computer is that it will not turn on."
"I extend my attack by asking what happens when the customer tries to turn his computer on."
"It doesn't turn on."
"That's nice. What does it do?"
"My ex-wife used to do that a lot."
"The customer also adds that the computer's power supply is sitting on his table in about twelve pieces."
"Yeah, I'd say that's probably what's causing his problem."
"The customer recieves +3 to his anger as he yells, 'No! You didn't listen to me! I already told you what my problem is! My! Computer! Won't! Turn! On! Now get that through your thick skull and help me, or get me to someone who will!'. His attack deals 2 HP of damage and poisons you."
"I counter with my feat of Logical Questioning. I ask the customer why his computer's power supply, which has very clear warnings about removing it from the computer case and dismantling it, has been both removed from the computer case and dismantled."
"The customer evades damage from your attack by yelling 'Oh, come on. Who reads those warnings, anyways!?. Your suffer a -2 penalty to your suspension of disbelief."
"How can you not read the warning label? It's in giant, red letters and written in eighteen different languages, including Retard."
"The customer says that it should have been made more clear to him that removing the power supply would cause problems. He also angrily states that this has nothing to do with his problem, which is that the computer won't turn on."
"Wow. It's like he *does* seem to realize that the computer won't turn on because it's missing the power supply, but at the same time he *doesn't* realize it. That's just... deep, man."
"The customer takes a hit on his crack pipe, giving him +3 surrealism. You are attacked by blue plastic goats for 4 HP of cheese damage.
"I cast Carrot Top's Improved Scorn on the customer and scold him for doing such a stupid thing."
"Your attack connects and hits the customer for 7 points of idiot damage. The customer counters by insisting that he is the customer, and that it is your job to educate him about the product and things he should not do to it. After all, you're the computer guy that actually knows what you're talking about, and he's just the ignorant customer that you need to educate."
"Well, for starters, Dipshit, stop taking your computer apart."
"'NO!' the customer angrily retorts. 'How many times do I have to tell you what my problem actually is? The computer YOUR company sold me WON'T START. This is YOUR problem, so FIX IT!'"
"I use my Steel Warhammer on the customer to inform him that his computer won't start because of what he did to his power supply."
"The customer counters by casting Hilton's Hopeless Dumbassery. Again he states that it was the responsibility of your company to inform him not to do things that can damage his computer."
"Wait a minute. We weld all of our computer cases shut when we sell them to idiots in order to prevent them from opening their computers up to get to the yummy candy that's inside. How in the hell did he get it open, anyways?"
"It was hard. He had to smash it, like, fifty times with his hammer until it finally broke open."
"I attack the customer with What In God's Name Is Wrong With You?."
"The customer saves against damage from the attack, and explains that the reason he took apart the power supply is because it was making this quiet whirring noise whenever he turned on the computer."
"So, it was working?"
"Well, yeah. But then it stopped working when he smashed the power supply to make it stop making noise."
"The noise of it actually working."
"On the plus side, the customer explains that the power supply is no longer making any noise."
"What a surprise."
"The customer demands a refund for his computer."
"Out of curiosity, what exactly determines whether or not I can give one?"
"That would be your character's mood stat. It's currently 'surly'."
"Isn't that what it always is?"
"Well, it sometimes goes to 'churlish', but for the most part, yeah. You must also consult with your conscience."
"Ok, I do that."
"A tiny devil that looks just like you with horns and a pitchfork appears on your shoulder and tells you not to issue a refund to the customer because the customer is stupid and this is all his own fault."
"On your other shoulder appears the other guy with the wings and tiny halo. He says that he can't believe how stupid this customer is and that there's no way in hell he's geting a penny out of you. If he so much as looks at you funny, you are to snap his neck and then give him some sort of sandpaper/acid bath treatment."
"Why is the angel more of a dick than the devil is?"
"He's got a lot more bottled-up aggression to deal with."
"I cast Denial of Refund on the customer."
"The customer blocks your spell with a demand to speak with someone that can actually make a decision."
"I inform the customer that I have made a decision. My decision is that he gets no refund."
"He wants to speak to somebody that will make a decision that he likes."
"I refer the customer to his mother. She said yes the last time I asked."
"The customer attacks with Tears of Frustration and demands to know who he should speak with about getting his money back."
"You suffer 3 HP of 'I Want A Refund!' damage from the attack, but gain an opening for a counterattack."
"I use my basic feat of Thrive on Customer's Suffering."
"Your customer's tears restore 13 HP and increase your alcohol level by 2. The move is still yours."
"I think I'll take up that earlier suggestion of rubbing sandpaper from my pack all over the customer while pouring salt on his wounds."
"I'm not even dignifying that with a dice roll."
"The customer yells that he has been sold a defective product and you are doing absolutely nothing to rectify the situation."
"I am trying to rectify the situation, but the customer won't go screw himself like I want him to."
"Your patience suffers a -1 penalty as the customer continues to berate you for selling him a broken product."
"Well, it's broken *now*."
"The customer wants to know what you are going to do in order to make things right with him."
"You're going to teabag him, aren't you?"
"Just call me Sir Lipton."
"Do the dice roll! Do the dice roll!"
"Congratulations, you have humiliated and horrified your customer."
"Awesome. What does that do to him?"
"Not much. He's still demanding a refund or somebody above you who can give him one."
"Oh, I can give him a refund, I'm just not going to. I think. Can I give him a refund? I don't think we got a final answer on that one."
"Your asshole stat is 18.99, which effectively prevents you from doing anything that might make the customer happy. I suppose you might be able to issue a refund if you could somehow prove that it was money stolen from an orphange full of nun kitten ninjas."
"That is totally sweet."
"Your customer is pissed. He's going on about how you have a contractual obligation to provide your customers with what they paid for."
"So do strippers, but you don't see me whining every time I get a bad lapdance from someone who smells like she just chugged a whole bottle of vicodi... wait, he said 'contractual obligation', right?"
"This guy doesn't strike me as one of those pesky 'literate' types. Did he even read the Terms of Service when he bought the computer?"
"'Oh, come on! Does anybody ever actually read those?' the customer replies."
"I would presume that at least the people who wrote them have."
"Actually, your Terms of Service was constructed by reanimated grue corpses from the blood of twelve newborn goats on the night of the seventh moon from deep within the heart of St. Lucifer's volcano of evil and... stuff."
"Wow. That's... you've got too much spare time on your hands. Look, do I have a copy of this thing?"
"Well, there's six gigantic three-ring binders in your desk drawer, each with a couple hundred pages' worth of crap stuffed inside."
"Lovely. Any clue which binder the TOS is in?"
"Fuck me sideways. I use a cipher from my pack to filter through all of the irrelevant information."
"The cipher causes your entire desk to burst into flames. After a few moments, the fire dies down and all that is left of the massive file is a single sheet of paper."
"Sweet. What do I have?"
"Let's see... the player's handbook here says that... hmm... huh?"
"Well, apparently, the Terms of Service states that your company reserves the right to sell any customer who claims not to have read it to a group Tusken Raiders as a sex slave."
"That is *awesome*. This customer is *so* sold."
"What the hell? This is the most fucked-up Terms of Service I've ever read. I mean, how can we...?"
"How much do I get for him?"
"But I mean... how can we even... legally... what the hell?"
"I want to trade him for some droids. Can I do that? Please?"
"I mean, well... shit. I guess I should do a check on the customer's resistance to... being sold into sex slavery? I dunno, I've never had this happen in a game before."
"Yeah, well, it's tech support, what do you expect?"
"Not... sex... slavery?"
"Just roll your damn dice already."
"Your customer is dragged from the field bound and ball-gagged by a group of unusually pleased sand raiders. They speak in a nearly indecipherible tongue that is somewhat easier to understand than the language spoken by your billing department."
"So, I have no clue what the fuck they're saying, then?"
"Not a word."
"Whatever. I rifle through the wares of the creepy sand people and look for anything that looks like it could vaporize a city."
"They don't have anything with them."
"What the hell? How am I supposed to trade with them, then?"
"One of the raiders presents you with a purchase order made out to your company's corporate account."
"But I... no! I want the money! How do I tell him that I want the money?"
"Well, you should be able to communicate using body language and hand gestures."
"I've got a hand gesture for this guy."
"That's really not appropriate."
"I really don't care."
"Or smart. These guys are hiding death rays underneath their robes."
"I want a death ray!"
"I try to trade the smashed remanants of the customer's computer to the sand people in exchange for one of their death rays."
"The sand people appear thankful for your gift to them and load it onto their caravan."
"It's not a gift! I want a death ray, dammit!"
"The sand people take their merchandise and scurry off into the distance."
"But I... death ray. I chase after them!"
"You currently do not have enough alcohol in your system to give chase. The Supportinator falls face-first into the sand as the Tusken Raiders disappear over the horizon."
"But... but... death ray..."
"It's gone, BTB."
"So, the encounter is over. You do gain 153 exp. from it."
"And you discover a suit of worn leather armor on the ground."
"I don't care."
"It's +1. How cool is that?"
"Oh, shove it."
"Well, I suppose you could drink a beer from your pack and go to a strip club."