"Happy Independence Day!"
"Um, it's not Indepedence Day, BTB."
"Ok, so I'm a little late. I still celebrate by drinking a beer from my pack and blowing some shit up."
"In that case, I drink a beer from my pack and then set my desk on fire."
"That's just... special. A customer draws near."
"Aw, dammit. Do I have to put my pants back on?"
"I think we'd all be much happier if you did."
"No time for that. I attack the customer with my Cast-Iron Liver of Pointy +2."
"You stumble in the customer's general direction before collapsing on the ground after a few steps."
"Well, that sucks. I drink another beer from my pack to give me the energy to get back up."
"I really don't think that's a bright idea, BTB."
"Yeah, that's why I'm doing it."
"You vomit on your customer."
"Aw, I wanted to do that later."
"You are a sad, sad man."
"I know. Hey, can we go to a strip club?"
"No. The customer helps you to your feet and brushes you off. He then proceeds to say that he needs you to remove a charge from his account. This attack will deal 3 HP of misdirected call damage unless you reply immediately."
"I cast Bill The Everloving Shit Out Of Account on the customer."
"Your spell fails, and the customer counters with his basic feat of Long, Pointless Rant. He says that he is in a terrible situation because of what your company has done to him and that you need to fix it by removing the charge you made to his card. You suffer a -5 penalty to your give-a-damn and the move is now yours."
"Yeah, I'll be glad to just hand out free money to this jackass. Would he like a pony while he's at it?"
"The customer says that would be swell."
"Yeah, well, no. Not happening. I attack with my Ebony Mace of +3 'No'."
"Your attack connects for 12 points of 'no' damage, but the customer saves against being hosed. He explains that he needs to you to remove the charge from his card so that he can get back the $50.00 overdraft fee charged to him by his bank."
"I see. The customer is a poor credit risk and it's our fault for giving him an account in the first place. How much did we charge him that we put him that much in the red?"
"Investigation of the customer's account indicates that the charge did not actually go through, as it was rejected by the bank."
"I grab the customer by the neck and rub his face in his billing statement while shouting, 'NO! BAD CUSTOMER! BAD CUSTOMER!'"
"The customer evades damage with his passive feat of being a complete retard and counters by saying that he would like a refund and an attack from his Wooden Staff of I Want A Refund +1. How do you respond?"
"I respond with the dictionary definition of the word refund: 'To give back, especially money; return or repay'.
"'I know that!' the customer yells. You suffer 2 HP of damage from the customer's attack."
"The critical portion of that definition that is absent from this situation is the customer actually giving us the money in the first place."
"The customer says that he fails to see your point and asks why you have not yet removed the charge from his account."
"Because I'm nowhere near as stupid as my customer is."
"Your witty retort imposes a -1 penalty to the customer's confidence and he is temporarily stunned. The move is again yours."
"Well, as long as he's not moving, I take a sharpie out of my desk and draw a penis on the customer's face."
"No. The customer attacks with another rant, complaining that he is having severe problems because of what your company has done to him. This account is his business and his livelihood, and now he is crippled because of what's happened. Your patience is drained by 3."
"His business, 'eh? I perform a basic service check on the customer's account to see if it's ever even been used."
"It has not."
"I figured as much. What kind of business does this guy have?"
"He runs a service that helps people to reduce their credit card debt."
"The customer beings to complain that he is losing business right now."
"God, I hope so. I use a fire hose from my pack to explain to the customer that a lack of planning and/or brains on his part does not constitute an emergency on mine."
"A critical miss. Your hose fails and you have now soiled yourself. In most cases, this would cause your character's shame meter to immediately max out. However, since The Supportinator has no shame meter, it just makes a big mess."
"Well, at least I'm wearing a diaper."
"What... the... fuck...?"
"Well, it's because this one time I had been drinking too much and I was off in the middle of the woods with this girl who was tied to a tree and... you know, you're probably better off not knowing."
"God, my eyes. Look, the customer is starting to get pissed. He says that this situation has ruined him financially, and that it is all your company's fault. His bank account has been closed and his credit is shot, and it's all because of what your company has done to him."
"Wow. So, this guy is a walking nightmare of bad credit, and he's trying to blame me for it?"
"Pretty much. The customer casts Unyeilding Senseless Demand, a spell which deals 7 HP of beratement damage and drains your Urge to Continue Living by 2. Respond now, or take full damage."
"I respond by laughing at the pain and suffering that the customer has brought upon himself."
"Success. The customer's spell fizzles and your enjoyment of his misery restores 2 HP. The customer's rage increases by 3 as he calls you an evil bastard who refuses to help your customer resolve a situation that your company is responsible for."
"I am not an evil bastard! I don't know why he would even say such a thing. Look, I'm getting hungry. I put the customer on hold and eat something out of my lunch. What did I bring today, anyways?"
"A triple-meat baby panda burger marinated in the tears of small children."
"Nah, I'm getting sick of those. I toss it in the garbage and go get a bag of pork rinds out of the vending machine."
"The pork rinds grant you +2 to your hillbilly stat and you gain initiative versus the customer. What do you do now?"
"I call my ex-wife a whore."
"I mean what do you do to your customer?"
"I tell him that my ex-wife is a whore."
"Can we go to a titty bar now?"
"For the last time, no. The customer assaults you with his enchanted Gauntlet of +3 Bitch Slap for 5 HP of unavoidable damage and demands that you address the situation and do what is right."
"I report the customer to the IRS. The way this conversation is going, I figure this guy's in some pretty deep shit with them right about now."
"The customer breaks down into tears. He explains that he has filed for Chapter 11 because of what you have done, his house has been foreclosed on, they repossessed his family, and the bank sent somebody to rub Icy Hot on his testicles."
"This is sad and hilarious at the same time, like a sad clown teabagging another sad clown."
"I've got enough disturbing mental images for one day, thank you."
"Ok, then. I like the idea his bank had. I use an enchanted stone of summoning from my pack to summon a flame giant and a frost giant and tell them to make a dogpile on the customer's crotch."
"The customer tells you to go to hell."
"Ok, now what?"
"If I laugh, it'll only encourage you."
"Look, if this guy is such a black hole of bad credit, I'm starting to wonder how he's actually affording to call me to complain about this. I would have figured they would have cancelled his cell phone right around the time that his kids got repo'ed."
"The customer continues sobbing as he describes in far more detail than you would care for how he had to suck a guy off so that he could borrow his cell phone to call you and get the charge reversed."
"Wait, does this mean that if the call 'accidentally' disconnects that he's got to do something even worse so he can call me back?"
"No. The owner of the cell phone is currently... how you say... 'indisposed' at the moment."
"I think I need a shower now."
"Yeah, me too. I guess it explains the -5 'heavy breathing' penalty to the customer's stamina, though."
"Well, there's something I can exploit. I challenge the customer to a foot race!"
"How is that in any way relevant? Besides, in case you've forgotten, The Supportinator is currently falling-down drunk."
"Oh. I drink a beer from my pack."
"No, BTB. Just, no."
"The customer uses his desperation attack in which he threatens to report you to the Better Business Bureau. You suffer 2 HP of Idle Threat damage, but gain an opening for a counterattack."
"Well, I suppose I could call the customer's bluff by calling up the BBB myself and letting them know how my company is criminally charging people for services rendered, but I think I'll just beat the customer with my enchanted Steel Warhammer of Sucks To Be You instead."
"A critical hit. Your attack deals 4 points of damage and changes the customer's status from 'crazed' to 'crazed, and also bleeding from the ears'."
"That's awesome. I beat on him some more."
"Yeah, but that doesn't jibe well with the narrative flow. The customer frantically describes how he needs you to reverse this charge to his card right now, because it has caused him to default on a loan from some guy called 'Big Louie', who will be very displeased when he gets his hands on him."
"Big Louie, huh? How long would it take me using my 1337 Web h4x0rZ skillz to look up this guy's contact information on the internet?"
"Fifteen seconds, including server lag."
"Cool. I open a second line, call up Big louie, and let him know that I've found his bitch."
"Success. Louie's men arrive at the scene in seconds to the sounds of the customer screaming in both fear and pain. The customer suffers 7 points of humiliation damage as he is beaten by the thugs, dressed in a tutu, and dragged from his cardboard box kicking and screaming."
"So, do I mark this encounter in my call logs as 'Issue Resolved', then?"
"Pretty much. The only options you have are 'Issue Resolved', 'I Tried To Sell The Customer Something', and 'I Resolved The Customer's Issue By Selling Him Something'."
"So, there's no option for 'Customer Is Pissed Because We Tried To Sell Him Something'?"
"Oh, well. Happy 4th of July, everybody!"
"I already told you. It's not the 4th of July!"
"I celebrate with a beer from my pack!"
"Oh, fuck you."