"Did it just get stupider in here all of a sudden?"
"A customer draws near! What do you do?"
"Oh, that explains it. I ask for the customer's name."
"Q like queer, o like Omar, k like Omar, n like Nancy, f like falaffel, h like horny, z like zafffyfrth, z like zoo, n like Nancy, q like Kwanzaa, s like Sammy, s like Sammy."
"Ok. I call the customer Bob."
"No Bob! Khazzarrad! K like kangaroo, h like large hardon collider, z like zebra, z like zebra, z like zebra, o like filthy American, q like queer, d like dog, q like Larry, and a pound sign."
"Yeah, this is getting me nowhere. I attack the customer with my enchanted Pearl Crossbow of Banish Evil."
"Your attack connects for 7 points of damage. The customer retaliates by casting Improved Outlandish Request. You suffer a -3 penalty to your patience as the customer demands to know how he can connect his internet to his Mr. Coffee."
"I'm guessing that technology is not this guy's strong suit. I use a dunce cap from my pack to explain to the customer that this is not how computers work."
"Your explanation fails. You suffer a -2 recoil penalty to your fatigue and the customer beats you with a boot for 3 HP of boot damage."
"I'm guessing that he's not too satisfied with my answer?"
"'No!' the customer angrily yells. 'If you no can fix it, you open trouble ticket to engineering!'"
"So, he wants me to tell engineering that everything is working like it's supposed to? Sure, I can do that."
"The customer attacks with his enchanted Goat's Leg of +2 Turban while demanding to know why you are not fixing it."
"I'm not fixing it because it's not broken. In fact, I don't even know what in the hell he's trying to do besides irritate the living shit out of me - at least we've found one thing he's good at. I counter the customer's attack by casting Standard American Tourist Translation."
"Your spell succeeds. You gain a +7 ignore to everything the customer says and you are now yelling at him as if he were deaf and stupid."
"That's at least half right. I tell the customer that his account is functioning as is intended and that he needs to go jump off a bridge."
"The customer becomes irate. 'You no listen! I have many accounts before and I always do this. Why you only company that no connect me internet and Mr. Coffee. You make engineer fix now!' Your spell blocks the damage dealt by his attack."
"It almost sounds like he's trying to say that there are other companies out there that let him surf the web on his coffee maker."
"You suffer 3 points of unavoidable damage as the customer assails you with his Plastic Staff of Logic Evasion. He says that he has a problem that you are refusing him to help with."
"Sorry, but the only psychological problem I prefer to deal with is severe nymphomania in redheaded Swedish hookers."
"'That no my problem!' the customer yells. 'I no connect to website and you no help me!'"
"Yeah, that'll probably happen when the thing you're trying to view the contents of the internet on is not a computer, but in fact a machine designed to brew a tasty beverage."
"'No. You no listen! I try to view website and it no come up. It say this page no can be display. It only do this on one website. This what I been trying to tell you'"
"This am not what you been trying tell me, Captain Handicapped, but there's a very good chance that the website you're trying to view may not actually exist."
"The customer says that he can see it on any other computer, just not the one he's on."
"Well, in that case, his internet connection just sucks. I use a hammer from my pack to pound this information into the customer's tiny, malformed head."
"The customer evades damage from your attack and casts Miller's Endless Rant to counter. 'Why you no say intern connection good not is bad! I see all website everywhere, Google, and it only not yours. You site only one I not no see. This you problem of yours and you and you no help me when I see no site only not of you but all other site and Myspace Youtube but not yours and it no come up so you and help fix now!. You take 12 points of Soul Drain damage and your burnout rating goes up by 5."
"I explain to the customer that the internet is kinda like a highway. And say you're driving down the highway, and one of the exits is blocked off by a bunch of naked fat guys sodomizing each other."
"Yeah. All at the same time. It's a mess. See, you can get off at any other exit you want, just not that one. Because nobody's going to get off to a bunch of fat guys buggering each other. Except maybe fat gay men. This customer doesn't sound fat or gay to me. Is he?"
"I... this isn't... please stop."
"And say there's a McDonalds you're trying to get to just outside that exit. It's not their fault that there's a pork-filled sodomy circle just outside their restaurant that's preventing you from getting there. They can't stop them. Believe me, I've tried."
"Why? Just... why?"
"Hell, they'll all probably just go outside and point and laugh at it. Or join in. Whatever floats their boat."
"And also, things like this tend to have a domino effect. Because, let's face it, this is the sort of spectacle that's going to cause lots of traffic accidents. And pretty soon the whole highway is shut down in a chaotic frenzy of blood, butter, and fatty man juice."
"Where are you going with this!?"
"The good news is that it's usually contained at that point, since this isn't the kind of thing people will normally drive accross town to go see when they can just catch it on the evening news later. Or maybe some people will try and recreate it in their backyards with mayonaisse and peanut butter or something. Or maybe some kids will see it and decide it's cool to tr..."
"Enough! The customer's irrationality recieves a +3 bonus as his spell continues. He demands that you assist him with his issue."
"Ok, I'll bite. This guy does seem to have absolutely no grasp on the English language whatsoever and the URL to our website is an entire two syllables long, so I'll guess that he's probably not spelling it right. I use a probe from my pack to ask the customer how he is is typing the website into his address bar."
"The customer recieves a -2 confusion penalty to his rage-based attacks because you actually seem to be helping him at this point. 'Ah... ok... I open window... I type... w... w... w... dot... furry-scat-incest... dot org.'"
"Yeah, that's pretty much all I needed or ever wanted to know. I beat the customer senseless with my Platinum Morning Star of You're A Fucking Slimeball."
"Your attack deals 6 points of decency damage to the customer, but leaves you open to a counterattack. The customer uses his skill of Basic Customer Dumbassery with a +2 bonus to his sleaze. You must now attempt to duplicate the issue."
"Duplicate the issue? You want me to actually go to that website?"
"Well, you need to make sure that the problem is actually on the customer's end."
"Holy fuck you, Dungeon Master. I enjoy not having my eyes bleed."
"Sorry, but I'm afraid you don't have a choice."
"Fuck you, fuck him, and just for good measure, fuck you again."
"I'm sorry, but dealing with things like this is part of your job, BTB. You can use a pair of goggles from your pack to shield yourself from the effects, if you'd like."
"Bah, fine. I put on a pair of goggles of moral decency from my pack and pull up the damn website."
"All right, so the damn thing pulled u... OH, MY FUCKING GOD. MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!"
"Well, technically, they did. Sort of. It's just that the effects of this particular site burned through all of the charges on your goggles in roughly three tenths of a second, and the end result has caused you to..."
"FUCK YOU, DUNGEON MASTER! WHY IS HE PUTTING THAT IN THERE!? WHY IS IT COVERED IN OLIVE OIL!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?"
"Yeah, I'm not even sure what kind of penalty to mark this one down as. How are you feeling right now, BTB?"
"Like I want to kill you."
"Ok, I'll just put that down as a -5 penalty to your charisma."
"Fuck this, I'm going to a strip club to wash my eyes out with a quart of beer and a lap dance."
"After smashing your monitor to pieces with your +5 Warhammer of Why, God, Why?, you enter the strip club and notice immediately that you do not have any 1's in your wallet. You pull out a twenty and give it to the lady at the door, who seems to be intent on taking one from the change she gives you as a tip. How do you respond?"
"Fuck her. She's not naked. I punch her and take the money."
"Success. You are now standing next to the stage with a small wad of cash watching 'Valerie Vicodin' dance to a bad Whitesnake song."
"See, now what's what I'm talking about. I drink a beer from my pack."
"The customer approaches and demands to know how this is helping to resolve his issue."
"What the fuck!?"
"The customer casts Improved Debilitating Whine for 10 HP of unavoidable damage and demands to know why you are not helping him resolve the issue that your company has caused."
"My company? What in the hell do we have to do with a site that needs to be killed with fire and have its server cleaned out with soap?"
"'This your problem I go your website and no see it, so you fix!' the customer angrily yells for another 2 points of damage."
"If this was my company's website, I would've killed myself a long time ago. I mean, come on, furry-scat-incest.org? What, did he have to go with the shitty off-brand because somebody already took dot com?"
"On further inspection, it appears that furry-scat-incest.org is currently forwarding to your company's website."
"Oh, for the fucking love of..."
"The move is yours."
"Fine. I use my Basic Troubleshooting skill to direct the customer to furry-scat-incest.com."
"A critical hit. The customer finds his way to your company's website and is pleased with your service. You gain 257 experience points and 43 gold pieces."
"I finish him off with my Masterwork Steel Broadsword of Go The Fuck Away."
"You deal 5 points of damage to the customer, successfully killing him."
"The owner of the strip club approaches you and demands to know why there is a dead foreign guy on the floor."
"Fuck this. I drink a beer from my pack and go to a strip club."
"BTB, you're already at a strip club."
"Oh. Ok, then, I drink a beer from my pack. And will somebody get this dead foreign guy off the fuckin' floor? I'm trying to watch some strippers, here."