"A customer draws near!"
"I use my opening scripts on the customer."
"Your scripts fail. The customer asks you how to adjust the sound settings on his computer."
"I respond with my feat of Basic Knowledge and explain that the sound settings for his computer can be found in his Control Panel."
"The customer responds by saying 'okay'."
"It's in the 'settings' field in his start menu."
"'Okay' the customer again replies."
"He needs to click on the "start" button on the left side of the taskbar at the bottom of the screen."
"It's got a little flying window right next to it."
"You suffer 3 points of damage."
"What do you want from me!?"
"The customer says that he wants to know how to adjust the sound settings on his computer."
"And I want to know why I married a whore. Looks like we're both going home unsatisfied today."
"The customer uses his Hopeless Dumbass skill to attack for 13 points of idiot damage and a -5 peanlty to your patience."
"I block his attack by casting Winfrey's Overblown Sense Of Self Worth."
"Your spell succeeds, blocking all outside influences for three turns. The move is now yours."
"I use a leash from my pack to drag the customer through the steps to getting to the sound configuration screen."
"The customer is temporarily stunned. He asks what you need him to do right now."
"That would be to click on his start menu."
"The customer responds by explaining 'well, my computer makes some sounds. Some of them I like, and some of them I don't. And I need to know how to change it to where some of the sounds it makes when I need to see or know something are sounds I kind of like, you know what I mean. So, well, that's why I called you. I need to know how to make it to where I can change the sounds on the sound configuration, but I just don't know how to access it."
"And at no point during any of that did he even acknowledge what I just asked him to to. I wish I could say that I'm surprised."
"The customer wants to know why this is taking so long."
"I attack the customer with my enchanted Silver Poleaxe of Click On Your Fucking Start Button Already."
"Your attack misses and the customer asks you to hold on while he finds the start button."
"Hold on while he finds the start button? What is he, blind?"
"Oh, fuck me."
"You distinctly hear the noise of what sounds like Microsoft Sam having a seizure as the customer scrolls through the various desktop icons on his computer in search of the elusive start button. Your patience suffers a -9 penalty."
"I hate blind people."
"The customer asks you how to adjust the sound settings on his computer."
"I ask to talk to the customer's seeing-eye dog. At least dogs can follow orders."
"Damn. I beat the customer with my +3 Wooden Mace of Seething Hatred."
"Success. The customer is now in his start menu, and he asks you what you would like him to do next."
"I'd like for him to go jam a pine cone up his ass, but since that isn't going to happen, he needs to click on the link to his control panel."
"Your request fails. The customer asks you what it is that you need him to do now. His indignance raises by 2 and he now accuses you of discriminating against him because he is handicapped."
"Well, yeah, I am, but that has nothing to do with his lack of vision."
"I tell the customer to click on his control panel while drinking a beer from my pack."
"The beer shields you from the negative effects of the customer's attack, and the customer manages to successfully make his way into the control panel."
"All righty, then. Now, he needs to click on the link that says 'Sounds'."
"You hear the robotic voice of MS Sam utter 'ACCESSIBILITY OPTIONS' in the background. The customer seems confused, and asks you where the link for sounds is."
"They're in alphabetical order. Sounds is near the bottom of the list."
"Microsoft Sam continues with, 'ADD NEW HARDWARE' and 'ADD REMOVE PROGRAMS'."
"It's at the bottom of the list, jackass."
"The customer says that he does not see the link for sounds."
"He doesn't see anything! He's fucking blind!"
"Oh, come on, BTB. That's just mean. You shouldn't make fun of somebody who has a disability."
"You said he's blind, not deaf. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to follow simple instructions."
"His intelligence stat is -3."
"Except for that. Fine. I take a nap while the customer scrolls through the list of control panel options."
"The customer attacks with his feat of Improved Bitchiness and demands to know why you are not assisting him. Respond now, or suffer 3 points of bitchy damage."
"I counter by casting Forceful Repeating Command on the customer, directing him to the link at the very bottom of the list."
"A critical hit. The customer accesses his sound configuration settings."
"That's great. Can I go now?"
"The customer asks you what to do now."
"He edits the sound configuration. I dunno. I haven't been into that thing in ages, since these shitty work computers don't even have sound on them."
"Oh, there's sound on them. It has just been disabled in your system BIOS because your company believes that hearing things might cause you to become evil and mad with rage."
"Oh, that's horse shit."
"The customer says that he needs you to tell him what to do next."
"I'm going to fucking kill him."
"The customer says that when he tries to save a new sound configuration, it asks him to save the old configuration if he doesn't want to lose it. He asks you what to do now."
"Yeah, that's one of those questions that sorta answers itself. If he wants to save it, he can save it. If not, he doesn't."
"The customer asks you what he should click."
"Oh, fuck. I tell him to just save the damn thing."
"When he clicks the button to save, it is asking the customer to give the configuration a name. What should he type there?"
"It really doesn't matter. He can name it whatever he wants."
"The customer wants to know what he should name it."
"Back alley abortion."
"You lead a horrifying life."
"And you're the one I blame for it."
"The customer asks what he should do now. Your patience is now being drained at a rate of 2 per second."
"Hmm... I need to use an attack that takes advantage of my opponents weaknesses. Can I just, like, walk away or something without him noticing?"
"No, you cannot. His seeing-eye dog has been trained to maul your kind on command."
"Ouch. Okay, then, it's time for plan /b/. I feed the seeing-eye dog some Ex-Lax© from my pack and wait."
"Why do I not like where this is going?"
"Don't know and don't care. Has he done his business yet?"
"In the interests of saving time, we're going to say yes."
"Excellent. I deploy the fudge bags."
"You successfully place a bag of dog shit at the customer's feet and light it on fire. His line of questioning changes from 'what do I do now?' to 'what's that smell?'"
"I encourage him to investigate the matter... with his feet, if at all possible."
"The customer stamps out the fire only moments before realizing what has occurred. He lifts his boot to his nose and, with a loud scream, suffers 7 points of 'I've got the poo on me!' damage."
"I follow up my attack by taking down any 'Blind X-ing' signs near his home and then waiting for nature to take its course."
"That's just mean."
"How is that mean? I've got a whole garage full of stolen road signs."
"Now who's being intolerant?"
"Are you going to do anything to actually help fix the customer's issue?"
"Screw fixing the customer's issue; I want to fix the customer."
"The customer recieves a +3 penalty to his happiness at your percieved offer for further assistance beyond the issue he called in about."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to help him jack around with his computer and I can't help him not be a dumbass, but I think I might be able to give him a hand with his other problem."
"What's his other problem?"
"I use some eyedrops from my pack on the customer".
"Your eyedrops cure the customer's blindness. What the fuck?"
"So, he can see now, right?"
"'I can see! It's a miracle! Oh, thank you!' the customer explains as he leaps from his chair and runs around relishing in his renewed sense of sight."
"Excellent. I show the customer some naked pictures of Rosie O'Donnel from my pack."
"The customer's eyes burst into flames, causing 16 points of fire damage and setting the customer's status to 'on fire'. He then drinks a gallon of bleach in an attempt to rid his mind of the offending image. 'What is this horror that hath been wrought down upon us?' are his final words before succumbing to the sweet release of death."
"I ask the customer if he has any other issues he'd like me to help him with today."
"He's dead, BTB."
"Well, yeah, I was bluffing anyway. I only ask that when I know the answer is going to be 'no'."
"Technically, you didn't even finish helping him with his first problem."
"I tell the customer that if he has any problems with my level of service, he's free to speak with my manager to lodge a formal complaint with the company."
"Ok, now you're just rubbing it in."
"What do I get for winning?"
"349 experience, 93 gold pieces, and a treasure chest ontaining a pair of dark sunglasses with an enchantmet on them that permits them to be worn at night. Taking them would be considered in the poorest of taste, even for you."
"I put on the sunglasses and say something cool while a Who song plays in the background."