"I'm bored. I want to do something new and exciting."
"A customer draws near!"
"This is not new or exciting."
"You could try actually helping the customer. That would be new, at least."
"So would jamming a pair of scissors into my crotch, but I'd still rather not do it."
"I don't think assisting your customer will be as unpleasant as jamming a pair of scissors into your crotch."
"I beg to differ."
"Why don't you try it and find out? Who knows, maybe you might like it."
"Jamming a pair of scissors into my crotch? Are you crazy?"
"No, you imbecile, I mean try helping the customer."
"Ooh, I've got it! I'll jam a pair of scissors into the customer's crotch! That will be both new *and* exciting!"
*Sigh*
"I attack my customer with my +2 Pointy Shears of Crotch-Jamming!"
"Where in the hell did you even get... you know what, nevermind."
"I've got, like, twelve of them. Want one?"
"Sweet merciful Christ, no."
"More for me, then."
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer defends against your opening attack with her Puddle of Drool +1. She counters with her advanced feat of Greater Pointless, Incoherent Rambling for a -2 penalty to your patience and pi^12 HP of insanity damage. She explains that she is currently on her computer and that she's not getting a lot done. Microsoft Paint has these little black lines that she is using, but when she clicks on the start button to open up her Internet Explorer, her printer starts flashing red. It's definitely not a good color of red, like those clothes that you see kids wearing at the mall today with the eyeliner and makeup. She's not able to save her file, because when Oprah comes on the TV it can be distracting. Today's show was about how this lady was mugged in a park just five blocks away from her apartment. I mean, can you believe it? Just five blocks away from her apartment. You just can't trust anybody these days. And that's why you should always have a cell phone, so that whenever you leave your house you can feel safe and protected. It's just that they're so complicated and hard to use these days, you just can't keep up with the pictures and the video and the camera phone options. It's just horrible. So, anyways, what she needs is your help to build a shrine, and she needs to know how it is that you're going to help her today."
"I... what the.... what in the hell is her... a shrine?"
(Rolls Dice)
"Yes, she's using her computer to build a shrine. You see, first she is trying to put out the initial design layout using Microsoft Paint, but when she wants to print it out onto the internet, she's trying to save her work and it's like this one time she was going shopping at the mall with her best friend..."
"Stop. Before I lose my mind, just stop."
(Rolls Dice)
"I'm sorry, but this customer has a 90% resistance to Interruption-based attacks. Your attempt to interject any semblance of sanity or rationality into the covnersation fails, and the customer's rant continues for an additional -3 penalty to your patience."
"I generally only consider it a conversation when we're both talking."
"So, when she tries to go back into Microsoft Notepad to save her work, she's trying to view it as it would look when she prints it out, but it's just not working. She's getting really frustrated at this point and it's just so hard to work with this technology, and she just really, really needs your help to get this all done, and will you please help her get this done, because it's just so beyond hard and impossible for her to accomplish all by herself. She is just beside herself with frustration and she just really, really needs your help to get this done, so will you please just help her get this done?"
"I'd love to, but..."
"You lie."
"Ok, I'd hate to, but I still can't do anything unless she shuts up for a second. I use my basic skill of Technical Troubleshooting to..."
(Rolls Dice)
"'So please, can you just help me get this done? It's all I ask. It's so frustrating to have to build this myself, with all of this technology today, and...'"
"I cast Improved Shut The Fuck Up on the customer to shut her the fuck up."
(Rolls Dice)
"Your spell succeeds with a penalty imposed by the customer's resistance modifiers to silence-based attacks. You have two seconds before she starts talking again."
"She's building a shrine. What the hell?"
(Rolls Dice)
"Yes, a shrine. She is constructing a shrine dedicated to the memory of her bestest friend in the whole wide world, and it is so incredibly saddening for his loss. It was a horrible, horrible day when he departed this world, and the grief is unbearable at this point. But she feels that constructuing this shrine will let her show the world how much she deeply loved and cared for him."
"I want to say I don't give a fuck, but, well, ok, I don't give a fuck."
"So, what she basically needs is your help to build this shrine dedicated to the loving memory of Mr. Fluff-Fluff."
"Ok, this stops now. I use an enchanted stone of summoning from my pack to bring forth my Scope of Support, which I will use to explain to the customer how little of a rat's ass I give about her misery."
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer shoots your Scope of Support out of the air with a +2 Fireball of Improved Refusal To Stop Annoying You."
"Dammit. What's this customer's resistance to being hosed?"
"150%"
"Holy shit. How in the hell am I supposed to get rid of her?"
"You don't."
"What am I supposed to do, then?"
"Help her."
"Help her build a shrine?"
"Yes."
"To Mr. Fluff-Fluff?"
"Yes."
"Fuck you, and no."
(Rolls Dice)
"So, part of what I'm trying to build for the Shrine to Mr. Fluff-Fluff is this print-out of the diagram I am trying to make in Microsoft Paint, but it's flashing red and every time I try to get to it, I can't, and that's kind of where I'm stuck right now and I really need you to help me right now. You suffer 7 points of irritation damage and are temporarily confused."
"I drink a beer from my pack."
"You know, you really would have liked Mr. Fluff-Fluff. He was so kind, and gentle, and sweet, and cute, just like a fairy princess when he would prance around without a care in the world."
"Hello! I said, 'I drink a beer from my pack!'"
"But anyways, I guess I'm kinda getting off-subject. I'm trying to save my work and every time I am trying to access it on my computer, it's just not working."
"Damn her, I can't even enjoy a beer from my pack with her here. Fine, I'll help her. I use my Technical Assistance skill to direct her to Microsoft Paint. That sounds like one of the nine thousand things that she's having problems with right now."
(Rolls Dice)
"Your attack fails critically. The customer says that she's trying to open up a page on her computer, and she can't get to it, and that she really, really needs your help."
"Yeah, that was really helpful. I tell her to click on her start menu."
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer wants to know why you're not helping her. You suffer another 5 HP of damage and your urge to kill rises by 6."
"I attempt to counter the customer's douchebaggery with my Masterwork +5 Battleaxe of Anti-Douchebaggery."
(Rolls Dice)
"Your attack connects, but only deals 1 point of damage due to the customer's high resistance to technical explanations. She also succeeds in a saving throw against being gotten rid of."
"Lovely. Could this get any worse?"
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer starts talking about Mr. Fluff-Fluff again, going into great detail about all the things he did and all of the wonderful times they shared together."
"That'll do it. Look, if she loves Mr. Fluff-Fluff so much, why doesn't she marry him?"
"Because Mr. Fluff-Fluff is a cat."
"Yeah, but it'll still make her stop liking him so much."
"A dead cat."
"I'm not really seeing your point, here."
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer attacks with her skill of Improved Bitchy Whine for 3 points of unavoidable whiny damage. Your health is now at critical levels. The Supportinator needs food badly."
"I fire at the customer with a shotgun from my pack."
(Rolls Dice)
"The Supportinator shot the food."
"Oh, well. At least I'm still a better shot than Cheney."
(Rolls Dice)
"You suffer a -3 penalty to your personality for making a lame joke that nobody will get a year from now. The customer retaliates by casting O'Donnell's Help Me Now Or Suffer The Consequences. You must defend against this spell, or The Supportinator will die."
"I'm really trying to imagine the downside to that."
"If you're alive and dealing with this woman, imagine what Hell is like."
"Point taken. I use a stone of holding from my pack to place the customer on hold."
(Rolls Dice)
"Success. The customer is placed on hold, and you may now attempt to regroup."
"I drink a beer from my pack to restore my lost health."
(Rolls Dice)
"Your beer restores 5 HP. Would you like to drink another?"
"I look down at my hand. How many fingers to I see?"
"Five."
"Yeah, I need another beer."
(Rolls Dice)
"You gain another 6 HP and your happiness is raised to 0."
"Awesome. I return from the hold time wildly swinging my enchanted Metal Flail of Dumbed-Down Instructions."
(Rolls Dice)
"Your attack connects for 2 points of damage. You ask the customer to remove her finger from her nose and place her hand on the mouse, and then that she must use short motions to make it move the little pointer on her screen towards the start menu."
"I follow up by casting Improved Barrier of Ignoring Customer's Nonsense."
"You can't actually expect that to work against a customer of this magnitude? The customer effortlessly breaks down your barrier with her passive feat of Being a Complete Bitch and begins reading to you a poem that she has written in loving memory of Mr. Fluff-Fluff."
"Oh, dear God."
"'Oh, Mr. Fluff-Fluff how you brought light and joy to my life. My heart it yearns for your loss and something that rhymes with life. You are no longer with us, but still in my heart I hold your memory close, remembering the days when we had first met...'"
"Is there a saving throw I can make against hearing this?"
(Rolls Dice)
"Your saving throw fails. You lose consciousness."
"I would consider that a success, but whatever."
"Well, you can't hear the poem through your own screams, if that's what you're getting at."
"I thought I was unconscious."
"The nightmares are beyond your deepest horrors. You suffer a -5 fear penalty to all attacks due to the mental images you are having of Mr. Fluff-Fluff as he invades your subconscious thought. And since you don't know what Mr. Fluff-Fluff actually looks like, your dream consists of nine clowns in Speedos giving each other back oil massages."
"Agh! Wake me up! Wake me up!"
(Rolls Dice)
"The Supportinator regains consciousness five hours later."
"Whew. The customer has got to be long gone by now."
"'...but then my heartbeat would come to a screeching halt on that sad, sad day. When you departed this world, Mr. Fluff-Fluff, I knew that things would never be the same again.'"
"Why do you insist on tormenting me like this!?"
"She's not done with her poem yet."
"It's been five hours! How long is this damned poem?"
"Well, she's only on the second book."
"I strangle the customer in a desperate attempt to make her stop."
"'...oh, Mr. Fluff-Fluff, how I cannot live without you. As I gazed upon you that one horrible day and saw your stuffing splilled upon the cold, unforgiving Earth...'"
"God, please take me no... wait, stuffing? As in a stuffed animal? Why is this woman... but I... how does a stuffed animal die? I ask the customer how... wait, God, no, that will just make her talk more. What the hell?"
"Yeah, I'd choose your next attack wisely if I were you. The customer is just about to get to the part where she bargains with God for the life of Mr. Fluff-Fluff with her own."
"I take a cyanide capsule from my pack."
"Don't you mean those fake-death pills that just make it appear that you've died?"
"No."
(Rolls Dice)
"You open the bottle of cyanide pills, close your eyes, and dose yourself with one of them. I'm not exactly sure why you have an entire bottle of them in your inventory, since they're 100% lethal."
"You have never been married. You couldn't possibly understand."
"May God have mercy on your soul."
"What soul?"
*Sigh*
"So, am I dead yet?"
(Rolls Dice)
"Negative. The customer, upon discovering your intent to kill yourself, resurrects you so that she may continue reading her poem to you."
"Ok, that's enough. I'm ending this now. I cast Edward's Crossing Over and attempt to establish a connection with the departed spirit of Mr. Fluff-Fluff."
"You do realize that spell doesn't actually do anything?"
"Yeah, but does the customer know that?"
"No."
"Good. I inform the customer that I am now channeling the spirit of the dearly departed Mr. Fluff-Fluff."
"But Mr. Fluff-Fluff is a stuffed animal."
"Yeah, but does the customer know that?"
"I... don't know."
"I tell the customer that Mr. Fluff-Fluff has a message to convey to her."
(Rolls Dice)
"The check against your bullshit skill succeeds. The customer is temporarily paralyzed and is brought to tears by the presence of her dearly beloved. She eagerly awaits his message."
"I continue my spell by telling the customer that Mr. Fluff-Fluff is telling me that he misses her and wants to be with her. He would like it very much if the customer could come join him in Kitty Hell."
"Heaven."
"Right, Heaven. I tell the customer that if she would like, I could help her join Mr. Fluff-Fluff in Hell."
"Heaven."
"Whatever. I ask the customer if she would like me to help her join Mr. Fluff-Fluff."
(Rolls Dice)
"The customer is overcome with joy and suffers a -3 apprehension penalty to all attacks. She also wets herself."
"That's nice. I pull out my enchanted Platinum Chainsaw of +4 Rusty and tell the customer that if she just closes her eyes, she will be with Mr. Fluff-Fluff very soon."
"You know, you could just use one of your cyanide capsules. It would be much quicker and a lot less messy."
"Whoever said I didn't want it to be messy?"
"You are a disturbed individual, BTB."
"Compared to the lady with the dead sutffed cat? That hurts."
"Ok, fine."
(Rolls Dice)
"Blood splatters all over the battlefield as you slice into the unwitting customer for 19 HP of rusty chainsaw damage."
"So, is she dead yet?"
"Yeah, I'd say that pretty much offed her."
"Awesome. I toss the corpse in a dumpster and go to a strip club."
"You can't. The corpse is in too many pieces and the dumpster is too full with the bodies of other customers."
"Damn. Maybe at some point I should actually start helping my customers instead of just killing them."
"Ya think!?"
"Nah."
*Sigh*