Back

Abuse My Nipples Dot Biz

Metal Gear Solid III - CIA Interview

Playing a game like MGS3 tends to raise a number of questions. Why doesn't that guard care that I just shot his buddy in the crotch? Where is Snake carrying all of that shit? When will this cutscene ever fucking end? And, perhaps most importantly, how in the hell did the Cobra Unit get their jobs in the first place? None of them were even remotely sane, let alone personable. I can't imagine a single one of them making it past the interview process, which in a realistic world would probably have gone a little something like this...


CIA Director: "Who are you people and what the hell are you doing in my office?"

The Boss: "Allow me to introduce you to the world's newest elite combat unit: The Cobras!"

CIA Director: "The Aristocrats?"

The Boss: "No, the Cobras."

CIA Director: "...you're a woman."

The Boss: "And?"

CIA Director: "It's 1962, you imbecile. The Civil Rights movement won't even happen for another 10 years. Now go make me a sandwich, Toots."

The Boss: "...the NERVE! Why, I oughta-"

CIA Director: "Hush up and let the men talk, Sweetie. You, with the bees, what's your story?"

The Pain: "I am... THE PAIN! I have bees... and I inflict... PAIN! The PAIN!"

CIA Director: "A convincing argument for Prozac, I'm sure. What about you, with the limp wrist?"

The Fear: "They call me... The Fearrrrr... I make you feel prettyyyy... and... AFRAID!"

CIA Director: "Well, you're scaring me. I'm going to have to ask you to stop rubbing against me like that."

The Fear: "Why...? Are youuuu... AFRAID!?"

CIA Director: "GAH! Get your hand out of there! Who's next!?

The End: "Zzzz..."

CIA Director: "What's his problem?"

The Boss: "Oh, that's The End. He does that sometimes."

The End: "Zzzz..."

CIA Director: "Are you sure he's all right? Should I poke him with this stick?"

The Boss: "No, he'll be all right. When he's awake, he's the greatest sniper who's ever lived."

CIA Director: "I'll bet. Who's next?"

The Fury: "I'M THE FURY! BURN! I WILL BURN UP EVERYTHING!"

CIA Director: "I'm pretty sure that's all we need to hear from you. Take that space suit off, for God's sake. You look like an idiot."

The Boss: "And I'm The Boss."

CIA Director: "Why do all of your names start with 'The'?"

The Fury: "BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!"

CIA Director: "Can one of you keep this nutjob under control before he destroys something?"

The Fear: "I can.... controlllll youuuu..."

CIA Director: "I told you once already to quit doing that. Reach in there again and you're pulling back a nub."

The End: "Zzzz..."

The Boss: "So, anyways, what say you we get ourselves a spot in the US Elite?"

CIA Director: "...a deranged beekeeper, a barely-closeted homosexual, a guy in a wheelchair who seems to be attracting buzzards, a disgruntled NASA reject, and a... woman? I suggest you all give Barnum and Bailey a call."

The Boss: "Well, there was a sixth one of us, but he died."

The Fear: "We called himmmm... The Sorrrowwww..."

CIA Director: "And what did he do?"

The Boss: "He cried a lot. Hence the name."

CIA Director: "Right... I'm going to have to ask you all to cease wasting my time and get out of my office before I call security."

The Pain: "Give us what we want, or I will cause you... PAIN!"

CIA Director: "One step closer and I'm blasting you with this can of RAID©."

The Pain: *Whimper*

The End: "Zzzz..."

CIA Director: "Now, listen. The first Metal Gear Solid game had the FOXHOUND unit, which was comprised of six elite members, three of which actually weren't insane. The second Metal Gear Solid game, instead of trying something new, did pretty much the same thing. Attempting the same rehashed bullshit a third time around is just asking for people to tar and feather us. What kind of fucking idiot wouldn't think we're being too repetitive?"

Dr. Wily: "I dunno, I think it's a pretty original ide-"

CIA Director: "Shut up, Wily. Go build Fuck Yourself Man."

Dr. Wily: "I already built him back in Mega Man Zero X7-35... something."

CIA Director: "Just shut up!"

The Fury: "I LIKE TO BURN THINGS! BURN, FUNNY LITTLE MAN, BURN!"

Dr. Wily: "AGHHH! IT BURNS LIKE HYGIENE! WHY DO YOU ALL STAND ABOUT AS IF I AM NOT RUNNING AROUND FRANTICALLY SCREAMING AND BURNING TO DEATH IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY EYES!? SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

The End: "Zzzz..."

CIA Director: "If you all are quite through, I have some actual important business to tend to. Ian Flemmings' corpse has risen from the grave to sue us for copyright infringement, and we have some seriously pissed-off Ewoks saying something about us ripping off the bike chase scene from Return of the Jedi. Now get the hell out of my office, you freaks."

Dr. Wily: "OH GOD, IT BURNS! IT BURRRRRNS!"

The Boss: "So... we don't get the job, then?"

CIA Director: "In a word... no."

The Boss: "This is all because of the Ocelot guy, isn't it? Goddamn it, I'm going to go kill him."

CIA Director: "Please don't. The universe will collapse upon itself."

The Fear: "Does that make youuuuu... AFRAID!?

CIA Director: "All right, numnuts, I already told you once. Take this!"

The Fear: "Arrrghhh! The stingggggg of a taserrrrrrr! It burns like heterosexualityyyyyy!"

The Pain: "What have you done to The Fear!? Why, I oughta... PAIN!"

CIA Director: "I have RAID©."

The Pain: *Whimper*

Dr. Wily: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

CIA Director: "Oh, quit being such a baby, Wily. Now I want all of you freaks to clear out of my office so I can mastu... er, tend to matters of national security."

The Boss: "So we won't be seeing you later, then?"

CIA Director: "I'll be seeing you later, Toots... in bed."

The Boss: "Oh, bite me. Come on, guys, we're defecting to the Soviet Union."

CIA Director: "Good luck with that. Hey, when you leave, can you take Wily with you? I haven't figured out a way to get rid of him yet."

Dr. Wily: "..."

CIA Director: "Er, never mind that. SECRETARY! I NEED A BROOM AND DUSTPAN IN HERE STAT!"

Moneypenny: "I'm a James Bond reference!"

The Boss: "So that's it? You're just gonna let us walk?"

CIA Director: "Do you have anything to say that would convince me otherwise?"

The End: "Zzzz..."

CIA Director: "That's what I thought. Now leave."

btb@abusemynipples.biz