"A customer draws near!"
"Yeah, yeah... what do we have this time? A customer that's managed to delete his operating system? Is he getting a blue screen of 'fuck you'? Or is it just another retard that doesn't know what in the hell he's doing?"
"Actually, his lawnmower is broken."
"Great. I tell the customer to defrag his hard drive, go stick his head in the oven, and leave me the hell alo- wait, did you say his lawnmower is broken?"
"Yes. Your company recently acquired a lawnmower division. Effective immediately, you are now to start assisting its customers."
"That's insane."
"The customer politey introduces himself and says that his lawmower is making a strange supttering noise and was wondering if you could help him out. He is acting very friendly, and you recieve a +2 bonus to your patience."
"That's even more insane."
"Yeah, I know. I'm scared, too.
"Ok, so I guess I help him with his... lawnmower? Does The Supportinator know anything about lawnmowers?"
"Well, let me see your character sheet...
(Reads)
"Let's see here, and... well, no. You don't even have a single rank in lawnmower troubleshooting. Why haven't you spent any skill points on it? What's wrong with you?"
"Well, for starters, I support computers. Also, what the hell?"
"Looks like you're going to have to take a look at the handout your manager dropped on your desk last night."
"What handout?"
"You don't see it? The janitor must have thrown it away."
"You're not really helping, here."
"Well, it's not like I'm here to do your work for you. Your customer patiently holds while you muddle your way figuring out what is going on. You suffer a -2 penalty to your confidence."
"Damn."
"However, you succeed on your saving throw against confusion."
"But I AM confused!"
"Hey, who's the Dungeon Master here?"
"Fine. I use my Dumpster Diving skill to dig through the trash and try to find the handout."
"With a deep breath, you approach the company dumpster and begin to root around through it. Nearly gagging with every breath, you sift through moldy bread crusts, unidentifiable slimy objects, and what appears to be the remnants of your dignity. The hot Texas sun serves only to amplify what you agree is the foulest stench you've witenessed since your ex-wife once attempted to cook dinner."
"That's... lovely. How did I get from my workstation to the dumpster so fast?"
"Well, the dumpster was only a couple of feet away.
"..."
"You continue to root through the dumpster to no avail. After ten minutes of searching, you sluggishly crawl out of the dumpster and fall to the ground with a squishing sound. The smell of garbage still lingers about you, however. You suffer a -7 stench penalty to your charisma, but that one really weird guy in marketing doesn't seem to notice (or care) and his disposition towards you raises by 50."
"That's great. Now I smell like ass and I still have no idea what's going on."
"As you crawl out of the dumpster, the janitor spots you. He walks up to and asks you what in the hell you're doing."
"I tell him that I was looking for the handout that was on my desk last night."
"'Oh, that?' the janitor says. 'Yeah, I saw that on your desk and put it in your drawer for you.'"
"I attack the janitor."
"You swing at the janitor with your Enchanted Gauntlet of +3 Dial Tone. Your attack misses critically. The janitor knocks you to the ground with his Mop of Si Habla Espanol and proceeds to teabag you repeatedly."
"Why the teabagging? Just... why?"
"Because, quite frankly, you don't seem to hate your job enough."
"I return to my desk and get the handout from the drawer. I inform the customer that I am still investigating his issue and ask him to please continue to hold while I look into it."
"The customer happily complies and says to take as much time you need, so long as you can help him get this taken care of."
"This sucks. This is the only sane, rational customer I've ever encountered, and I can't even help him."
"Well, you have the handout from your manager now."
"I look through the handout for steps to troubleshoot issues with sputtering noises."
"There is nothing in the handout about sputtering noises."
"What's in the handout, then?"
"The handout describes some of the more common issues that customers should be calling you about. The first section explains how to make the lawnmower Y2K compliant."
"What the fuck? Why does a lawnmower need to be Y2K compliant?"
"So it doesn't think that the year is 1900, stupid."
"It's a fucking lawn mower! It cuts grass!"
"Hey, I don't know what lawn styles were like back in the 1900's. Do you? Maybe people kept them really short back then."
"Also, Y2K was over ten years ago."
"I fail to see your point."
"Next, please."
"The other section describes how to repair the lawnmower's flux capacitator. Unfortunately, this requires several components that your characters does not currently possess. In fact, two of them don't even actually exist."
"I've had enough of this. I return to the customer and again thank him for holding. I troubleshoot the issue with my feat of Guess Shit While Pretending To Know What's Going On."
"The check against your bullshit skill succeeds. The customer is agreeable and says that he'll do anything that you need him to do. You gain an opening for an attack, and your confidence is temporarily boosted by 3."
"But I'm not confident! I have no clue what in the hell I'm doing!"
"Hey, I've already done told you once, I'm the DM here. If I say you're confident, then you're confident, dammit."
"...okay."
"So, the move is yours."
"I ask the customer where the sputtering sound is coming from."
"The customer says that it is coming from the bottom, near where the blade should be."
"Ok. And when does it make the sputtering sound?"
"The customer explains, 'it normally makes kind of a sputtering sound when I turn it on. If I leave it for awhile it will just keep getting worse until I finally turn it off. The last time I tried I left it on for five mintues and it didn't stop. There is this big red button on it that says NOSPUTTER, but I decided that I should probably call and talk to somebody that actually knows a little more about this thing than I do rather than just blindly messing with it.'"
"I tell him to press the button."
"The customer emits a bloodcurdling scream as the mower blade springs to life and attacks him. The customer suffers 18 HP of blade damage as the lawnmower saws through both of his legs, removing them completely."
"Holy shit! I ask the customer if there are any other buttons he can press."
"The customer, through his agonized screams, says that there's another button labeled 'KILLBLADE', and asks if you would like him to press it."
"Yeah, that sounds good."
"The blade detaches from the lawnmower and is fired directly into the customer's solar plexus. He suffers 35 HP of damage as the blade passes through him. Strangely, he is still alive."
"What in the fuck is wrong with this lawnmower!? I tell him to hang up the phone and dial 911."
"The customer replies that he would like to, but he doesn't seem to have his hands anymore."
"Fucking hell."
"At this time, your manager strolls by your desk and reminds you to make sure to ensure that your customer is satisfied with the level of support you are providing him."
"I turned my customer into hamburger meat!"
"Yes, that will probably reflect poorly on your satisfaction survey."
"Is the customer still drawing near?"
"Well, he's not talking anymore. You do hear this faint thumping noise that sounds like it might be an attempt at morse code."
"Do I know morse code?"
"Surprisingly, yes."
"What's he saying?"
"He's trying to give you more information. He says that his lawnmower is a Schnell 34928XRT model, if that helps any."
"Wait a minute, isn't Schnell a lawnmower manufacturer? This guy isn't even talking to the right company!"
"It would appear that way."
"I tell the customer that I regret to inform him that he needs to contact Schnell for any questions about his lawnmower."
"With his final bit of strength, the customer taps out 'thank you for trying, anyways'."
"I am a horrible human being, aren't I?"
"Well, yeah. But you knew that already."